If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
