checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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