I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
