This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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