I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
