i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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