I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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