then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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