Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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