Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
