I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Of course I have a pirate flag
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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