do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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