I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
