I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
