im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
worst night to have a conscience
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
