My sheets look like a crime scene.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
