P.S. I can't hear my feet
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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