You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
