Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
