Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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