Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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