dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
