Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
