Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
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Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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