Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
