the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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