Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am one with the molecules
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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