Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
