Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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