I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
where does the pee come out of this thing
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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