she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
