at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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