final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
