I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
