I cannot find my penis.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
