I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He passed out mid-signature
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
