New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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