new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
