I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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