Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
