Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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