So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
