if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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