I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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