Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
