just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
