If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
