Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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