I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
