Got a toothbrush?
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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