happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
