Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
