just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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