On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
so much tequila, so little girl.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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