Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
