3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
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Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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