I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
