This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize
