he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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